Total Apocalypse
by o0-Key-0o
Summary: The fanfiction universe as we know it is losing stability. The officers in charge take drastic measures to preserve the fandoms by recruiting ten authors to go into there and fix the problems. Will they survive their encounters? New: Star Trek: TNG.
1. The Blood Red Klaxon

Disclaimer: I think the only thing I don't own in this chapter is mention of Daniel Radcliffe. Everyone else is my own invention, but the ones I'm really proud of you'll meet later.

Introduction: What TAAMS (one of my other fics) is to Mary Sues, this fic is to Crossovers. Enjoi! Questions can be left in the review section, where I will do my best to address them in following chapters.

In addition, this story is to be co-authored with Drew Marigold, but not until the next chapter.

And now, without further delay:

Total Apocalypse

This adventure begins in a second-story house in the suburbs, in the room at the end of a hall. The sound of feverishly-tapping keys and the faint giggling of a girl can be heard through the slightly-cracked door. Were the observer to press one eye to the crack, they would see a small, gangly teenager whose head appears too big for her body. Her name is Anna and at the moment she is entertaining no less than seven friends on instant messenger, browsing two fanclubs for Daniel Radcliffe, and attempting to complete a document in Word. Every half-second a little chime informed her that an IM friend had replied, and Anna would type in net-speak back to them using ten letters or less. One particular conversation went something like this:

cabannaluv2009: hy whit, zup?

pixiepottergurl: nm, u?

cabannaluv2009: fic, EoL

pixiepottergurl: nw! nxt ch 2nite?

cabannaluv2009: u updt yt?

pixiepottergurl: wich 1?

cabannaluv2009: potc/lotr x-ovr

pixiepottergurl: rit now! kewl, ne?

cabannaluv2009: ya! jen's updtd 2!

pixiepottergurl: sweet! zoe 2! i luv her hp n xmen n st x-ovr!

Needless to say, Anna and Whitney weren't going to win any Pulitzers with their spelling and grammar skills. As these two girls along with hundreds of others wrote new chapters to their stories and posted them on the Internet, and each went to bed with visions of Legolas, Harry Potter, Captain Jack Sparrow and Wolverine dancing through their heads, somewhere on a gigantic black computer screen two red words appeared: TOTAL APOCALYPSE.

-+-+

The alarm klaxon that went off was so loud and piercing that Lieutenant Michael Newton Venningsworth had bolted out of bed before all of his muscles had registered the fact that he was awake. Thus he ended up crumpled in a heap three feet from his military-issued cot in nothing but his Tootsie Roll boxers, which were _not_ military-issue. The klaxon continued to blare through his skull, causing little white flashes of light to dance before his eyes as Mike tried to encourage his body to wake up. He panted in his efforts to get moving, his heart beating faster as he grabbed one-handedly for his uniform jacket.

Struggling upright, the lieutenant bolted for the door, his fingers fumbling with the knob before yanking the door open. His bare feet nearly froze to the cold metal floor but in his haste he didn't notice. He needed…blast, where _was_ she?

"Tiff!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, racing in the direction of the control room. "Tiffany!"

His commander came bursting from her own quarters as he raised his fist to pound on her door in passing. "I hear you, Lieutenant," she said briskly, cinching the sash to her brightly-flowered silken robe around her waist. "Let's not panic."

Mike was dumbfounded. "But…this is it. This is _the_ Klaxon. The _Blood Red Klaxon of Doom,_ I believe is its full and proper name."

Tiffany Brie Walton took off at a dead run in the direction of the Core, her combat boots thudding loudly against the deck. "Wrong, Lieutenant. Its full name is the _Blood Red Klaxon of Doom, Destruction, and Apocalypse,_ because it means all of those things. We are in very big trouble." With that, she leapt into the nearest 'lift and cried, "Core Level, emergency speed!"

Mike and Tiff were thrown to the floor of the small elevator as it accelerated upward at an unhealthy rate. A smooth feminine voice informed them of their arrival at the level they desired and they managed to peel themselves off of the floor and stagger into the main control center of the entire base, the bone-shattering klaxon still ringing through the air.

"Ensign," Commander Walton snapped to the young man on duty, "what in the name of St. Petersburg is happening?"

Obviously rattled, Hochi Taikei Min drew himself up and reported, "The only thing that could happen to set off that alarm, Commander. Total Apocalypse." He pointed to the words on the large screen that dominated the room.

"What caused it?" the commander demanded, striding to the ensign's station and looking over his shoulder as if searching for answers.

"I don't know ma'am—" Hochi said, but Mike interrupted him.

"Where's Zondo? He should be able to tell us everything! The guy knows all there is to know about this system. I'll go find him." Before Tiffany could say anything, the lieutenant had sprinted from the room.

Commander Walton paced in a small circle, muttering agitatedly to herself, her blonde hair hanging in limp straggles about her face. "Is there anyway to turn that dumb alarm off?" she said loudly to Hochi.

The officer held up his hands, palms up and shook his head. "Only Zondo knows."

Tiffany snarled something in a language that sounded suspiciously like Klingon and pounded one fist against a wall. "Get me readings on the most highly-trafficked worlds, weather reports, _I don't care!_ We need something to go off of, some explanation for this. I don't completely trust Zondo."

An abrupt clattering out in the hallway preceded Mike's hauling of Zondo in by the collar. Zondo was a short, weasel-like man with cunning eyes and a long nose to complete the image. "Why Commander," he greeted. "Don't you ever take your boots off? And I didn't even know you knew what flowers were," he went on, oblivious to the poisonous look she was directing at him.

"We can discuss my choice of fashion later. Now, how do we turn this stupid alarm off?"

Zondo strolled calmly over to a nearby console and casually pressed a few buttons. The alarm abruptly ceased mid-shriek, and the three officers visibly relaxed. "Was that all?"

"No, it certainly is not," Mike said. "What happened?"

The small man shrugged. "Oh, the only thing that would make it go off, I expect. Complete and utter dissolution of the barriers between worlds."

Tiffany, Mike, and Hochi all blinked at him in mute shock.

"But—"

"You can't mean—"

Zondo depressed a switch and a new image replaced the red words on the screen. Meandering over to it, he took out a pointer and began his narrative. "As I have always suspected, the fanfiction universe is finite up to a point. You can only stretch it so much and load it with so much stuff before we encounter problems. Normally we have only had continuum crashes, particularly in the Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings sections. But this latest dose of crossover nonsense, coupled with the ever-increasing flow of self-insertions has apparently done the system in. Quite seriously, we do face total apocalypse."

"Right, sure, I got all that," Tiffany muttered, rubbing her temples gingerly before raking her hair out of her vision. "So you're saying this can't be fixed according to the rulebook?"

Zondo carefully folded up his pointer and pocketed it. "My dear, your rulebook ceased to exist when that klaxon went off."

Hochi and Mike exchanged apprehensive glances. "So then…what can we do?" Mike asked slowly, voicing everyone's thoughts.

From his back pocket Zondo produced a small, vomit-green pamphlet with a flourish. "We follow my Never-To-Be-Used-Except-In-Total-Apocalypse Rulebook."

In the silence that followed Tiffany prompted, "Which says…?"

"We bring in the fans."


	2. Meet the Fans

Disclaimer: I own everybody in this chapter except for Darby McGill, who is owned by Drew Marigold, a familiar face to those of you who have read School's Out.

Without further ado:

Total Apocalypse

"We bring in the fans."

-+-+

She blinked. And blinked again. Then she squinted, rubbed her eyes, and blinked for a third time. The grayness in front of her didn't disappear. She reached out one hand; the grayness was solid. It was in fact a wall of metal. Stiff with shock, she turned around to see a sparse conference room, and five other people who looked as dumbstruck as she did.

"Um…are we dead?" asked a petite redhead who was obviously still in her pajamas. "Because this isn't my room."

"It's not my office," said a well-dressed business man who was in his late twenties and was favoring a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. "Maybe we've been abducted by aliens."

"That is the biggest load of laundry I've ever heard," another girl broke in, plopping herself down in one of the uncomfortable-looking chairs. "I say we're being held prisoner."

"What are you talking about?" a freckle-faced young man asked. "Why don't we just try the door and have a look at where we are?"

She spoke up for the first time. "How about some names first?" The five other people exchanged looks with each other.

"Our real names?" Freckle-face asked. "Or our pennames?"

"Who says we all have pennames?" Businessman demanded a trifle sharply. "Do I look like I have time to write?" The other five, however, were considering.

"Do you all have a penname?" Redhead asked. "Is that why we're all here?"

A tall, willowy blonde suddenly popped in, her fluted glass of champagne still in her hand. "What on earth--?" she gasped, spinning around and taking in all the faces around her.

"We don't know that we're on Earth anymore," Businessman said sourly, "so don't get your hopes up."

"Door's locked," someone else reported, an older, balding man dressed in green plaid pants who looked like he'd been snatched off a golf course. "Whoever's brought us all here, they don't want us getting out."

A few more people arrive, and the general noise level rose until Redhead climbed up on the conference table and stomped her bare feet loudly until the nine other people shut up. "Okay, here's the deal. We're all stuck here, we're all locked in, and we all have a mess of theories about what happened. But if we're going to do anything, we need to get organized. Now, who here has a penname?" Redhead raised her hand, and she followed suit. Even Businessman grudgingly lifted his hand and gave a half-hearted wave.

"All right," Redhead continued. "That's good. Since we don't know what circumstances we're here under, it might not be good to give out our real names. So, my name is Twinkiegal330, but you can call me Twink for short."

The tall blonde in her black evening dress had downed the rest of her champagne, and she spoke up quickly. "My misnomer is Wonkywizard, but I can go by Wonky, eef you prefer." Her slight French accent deepened and she swirled her empty glass nervously.

"Hi everyone, my name is OrangeSith, Star Wars junkie extraordinaire," Freckle-face said. "Sith for short, if you'd like. Nice to meet you."

"Hamster Dancer," Businessman said quickly, his face purpling slightly at the muted guffaws that went around the room. "HD."

She went next, to squelch the titters. "Masked Lorcan, call me Lor. Let's speed this up, we need a way out of here before the kidnappers show up."

A petite brunette with a fat braid hanging to her waist shrugged as she looked around. "Darby McGill."

"Kade," said the girl lounging in the chair.

The golfer shifted on his feet. "PurpleAntsAteMyPants. Ants is easier to remember and less of a mouthful, I think."

OrangeSith sprang forward. "Dude, you wrote that column on defining sci-fi from fantasy for dummies! Very cool!"

Twinkiegal cleared her throat and nodded to the last two people. "Make it quick."

"Psychadelio, Psych." A dark-blond man bobbed his head at nothing in particular. "Groovy."

"Chalupa," a sassy-looking Latina said crisply. "Call me Lupa. Let's get a plan working."

"Already there," Sith said. "There are air vents. A natural oversight, but it's in every single book, isn't it? We can push the table over here and—"

"Er, slight problem," Psychadelio broke in. "Table's bolted down, dude."

"Well, the chairs aren't," Chalupa snapped. "Honestly, use your brain. We can build a miniature pyramid of chairs to get up there."

Ants held up his hands in a silencing gesture. "Hey, hey! A little less advice from all parties, all right? First of all, does anybody here have a pocket knife or anything we can use to unscrew the cover?"

"Ah!" Wonkywizard spoke up. "I have just zee thing." Without hesitation, she plunged one hand down the front of her evening gown and came up with a Swiss Army Knife. "My papa would never allow me to leave zee house without it, and now it is habeet, you vould say."

"I don't even want to know…" HD muttered. "Psych and Sith, let's get these chairs over there." Through a concerted effort on the part of the stronger authors, a slightly precarious tower of hard chairs was constructed, and Wonky was allowed to ascend. Hamster Dancer and Psychadelio stayed close in case the chairs decided to wobble.

Wonkywizard carefully worked at the screws, handing them down one by one to HD. With a crow of victory, she lifted the vent free and passed it down as well, brushing a fine layer of dust from her evening dress. She then proceeded to stand up on the uppermost chair, her head and shoulders disappearing into the ceiling. "Eet's very dusty een here," she said, her voice echoing metallically down to the others. "But here we go." With that, the rest of her disappeared, stiletto heels and all.

"All right, who's the most agile?" Ants asked. "The last person should be able to climb the chairs without help and kick the chairs over. Any takers?"

"Well, that would be none of the men," Masked Lorcan said. "I've got long legs and a pretty good sense of balance. I can brace the base while all you guys get up there and also go last."

Chalupa nodded. "I'll help her. Psych, HD, Sith, and Ants go next. Then you, Darby, Kade, and Twinkie. Sound good?"

There was a general murmur of assent, and she and Chalupa moved to relieve the men of their positions as one by one they followed Wonky. The chairs wobbled a little, but nobody fell and in a matter of minutes only women were left in the room.

"Okay Darby," Twink encouraged. "Let's get out of here."

Darby took an involuntary step backwards, her blue eyes wide, face pale. "I...c-can't," she stammered, gaze fixed on the vent as if it would jump down and bite her.

There was a brief moment of surprised silence. Chalupa found her voice rather quickly and said sharply, "What do you mean, you can't? Just get up there, or it'll be all our hides on the line!"

"Lupa, shut up!" Twink said quickly. "She's probably claustrophobic. Right?" she asked.

Dragging her eyes off the hole in the ceiling, she nodded quickly at Twink, "I don't even do elevators. I'm sorry..." her voice trailed off as she glanced involuntarily at the grate and shuddered. "Go ahead. I'll just...stay here," she finished lamely, backing up again.

There was muted bumping from above, and Sith's face appeared in the hole. "It isn't cramped up here at all, it's actually quite wide, Darby. Come on, nothing bad will happen."

Chalupa couldn't restrain her impatience. "All right, you stay here with her, I'm going up. Twink, Kade, follow me." And she was gone without a word, causing Sith to pull his head out of sight.

Looking more frustrated with herself than the rest of the group put together, Darby nodded to Twink again, wrapping her arms around her stomach, "Go ahead, I'll be okay."

"We're not leaving anybody here when we don't know what will happen." Ants had taken Chalupa's place near the hole. "If we can move around up here, then there's got to be a lot of room."

Darby gave Ants a dry look. "We don't know staying here isn't the safest option, either, do we? How do we know leaving is our best idea? No, thanks. I'll stay here," she concluded firmly.

"Right, that's it," the silent Kade suddenly snapped. Without warning she threw a right hook that caught Darby in the jaw, snapping her head to the side. Masked Lorcan caught her as she fell. "Tie her up, we'll have the guys pull her up there and we can slide her to wherever we're going."

"Yeah, where exactly is that?" Lor asked as she stripped off her long-sleeved shirt followed by her jeans. "Let's make a rope. C'mon girls, off with those clothes, you'll get them back in a few."

"Whoa, averting eyes up here," Ants called down. "Need anything from us?"

"Yeah, a hand!" Twink said, knotting the legs of her pajama bottoms around Darby. "And any spare clothes you can come up with!"

There was a mixture of clangs, bumps and thumps from on high. There were a few muttered words and the distinct sound of HD's voice: "This is an Armani suit!"

It was Psychadelio who answered him, "Nobody cares about your duds. Either pitch in or I'll knock you out like Kade did to Darby."

"Incoming," Chalupa called down before letting the armful of clothes they'd gathered fall. Between the three of them, Twink, Kade, and Lor had gotten Darby tied up in a form of sling with a bit of rope left over. They quickly knotted the new garments together and Twink climbed up the chairs to hand Ants the end of the rope.

"Okay, haul away!" Kade and Lor stood on opposite sides of Darby to make sure someone was there to catch her if their knots didn't hold. Slowly, slowly the people up above pulled, and Darby rose up into the air. With a little maneuvering, she was up and into the ventilation system without so much as stirring.

"Twink, follow and make sure that if she comes around, she can't get past you," Lor said. "Kade, after you."

"Don't we get our clothes back first?" Twink demanded.

"No, we've got no time. Listen!" Kade interrupted. They could hear loud footsteps approaching the door. In a flash, Twink was out of sight, and Kade was right behind her. Lor swiftly followed, but the chairs beneath her tilted dangerously before giving way. She missed grabbing the edge of the hole by inches, falling among the upturned chair legs hard.

"Quick, grab!" The clothes-rope tumbled down in front of her eyes, and Lor caught it before it hit the ground. Then her head was snapped back with the force of five people yanking on the other end. She had liftoff without even realizing it and narrowly missed banging her head on the ceiling as she shot through the hole seconds before the door clicked open below.

"The vent," Kade whispered, passing it to her. As silently as possible Lor slipped it back into place, using someone's donated hairtie to hold it. And then they all held their breaths.

A muffled moan broke the silence as Darby's brain remembered what consciousness felt like.

"Oh, keep her quiet," Twink begged from behind Lor. Kade was closest, and clapped her hand over Darby's mouth. They heard voices below, but none dared to press their ear to the vent as the voices grew nearer.

What with the pain radiating through her head and neck, the dark, suffocating gray of the interior, the inability to move and the hand over her mouth, Darby's brain was trying to figure out what to panic about first. It chose the pain and called on her hand to massage her temple. Unfortunately, as the tied hands obeyed and moved upwards, her elbows bumped the edge of the air shaft. Her eyes widened as memory returned in a flood. Vent. She was _in _the vent. Air, there wasn't nearly enough air and there was _a hand on her face, stealing her air!_ Reflexes took over and, in an age-old defense move, she bit the offending hand.


	3. The Mission

Disclaimer: All right, this will really only be necessary in later chapters, but for the last time until then, all these characters except Darby belong to me.

Note: The story will pick up a little once we get past all the technical details. Our heroes' first appearance will be in Rivendell, _Lord of the Rings._

Total Apocalypse

Air, there wasn't nearly enough air and there was _a hand on her face, stealing her air!_ Reflexes took over and, in an age-old defense move, she bit the offending hand.

"Do you think Zondo lied?" an impatient female voice asked.

"No, I think they're too smart. Wait, listen!"

Kade let out an echoing shriek that was cut short as Chalupa, Psycho, and Ants tackled her and clapped hands over _her_ mouth. But the damage was done.

"They're in the vents," the woman said. "Brilliant." She must have made a motion to her partner because their footsteps retreated.

'What now?' Sith mouthed to them, clutching the clothing rope.

"They're gone," Chalupa spoke up. "No need for lip-reading."

"I say we see where this goes," Ants said. "Maybe it'll lead us to the outside."

"And maybe those of us in our underthings could get our clothes back?" Kade asked a trifle irritably.

A sudden blaring alarm gave them all pause. "That doesn't sound promising…" someone muttered right as a rushing sound reached their ears.

-+-+

"Mike, how long has it been since we flushed the vents?" Tiffany asked idly as the lieutenant punched a couple of buttons on a little-used panel marked 'Spring Cleaning.'

"Never," he replied amiably, hitting the last switch with a flourish and grinning as a new sound blared through the halls. "And there's the warning alarms to any technicians hanging around up there…" He grinned suddenly. "This should be fun. Should we go to the Basement and watch?"

"Without a doubt. Lead the way," the commander replied.

-+-+

"Is anybody else worried about that noise?" Sith asked slowly. Kade was far too busy leveling Darby with the Mother-of-All-Death-Glares to respond, massaging her bitten hand.

"Which noise, the alarm or the rushing liquid?" Twink asked, picking at one of the knots in their rope.

HD suddenly held up a hand. "Did anybody else feel rain?"

There was a brief silence. Then, "Dude, we're in an air shaft," Psychadelio said flatly.

"No, I felt something too," Chalupa said, brushing her ebony hair out of her face. Her eyes narrowed. "Is the rushing sound getting louder?" The shaft suddenly began to shake beneath them and drops of water flew from the end closest to HD.

"Quick, grab the rope and hang on!" Ants jerked free the bonds holding Darby so she could fend for herself seconds before a rushing river of water descended upon them all.

"Zees will be fun!" Wonky cried seconds before their world dissolved into cold wetness, yelps, bubbles, and rushing gray walls. The ten authors were propelled by the current, being washed who knew where. There was precious little air, and the metal walls were none too comfortable to those who collided with them repeatedly. Which was everybody. Twink lost her grip on the rope once, twice, and at last was forced to grab Chalupa around the waist in a crushing grip.

All of a sudden—vertical. Their horizontal momentum was abruptly stolen and all ten fell heavily a good six or seven feet into a gigantic draining chamber. The result was a large sodden mass of ten groaning people, most of them in their skivvies.

"Well, this isn't the way I would have chosen for us to meet, but you lot were quicker than I gave you credit for," the feminine voice they had heard from the air vent greeted. Kade peeled herself off the top of the heap and then assisted Ants to his feet, one hand still gripping the clothing rope.

"And you are…?" Sith demanded calmly, dressed only in his Spongebob boxers. He hauled Chalupa upright while waiting for an answer. He ended up hauling Twink too, as she was still hanging onto the Latino girl with both arms, eyes tightly closed.

"Commander Tiffany Walton. Commander to you," the woman replied, straightening her gray uniform jacket. "This is my second-in-command, Lieutenant Michael Venningsworth."

"Call me Mike, because I hate it when people butcher my last name," the lieutenant said.

"Did you bring us here?" HD demanded, wringing water out of his shirt. "Look, I demand to be released at once, if I'm not at my desk by the time my boss comes in, he'll fire me."

Commander Walton looked at him for a long moment, and then burst out laughing. "Your _job?_ The end of the world is happening, and you're worried about your job."

Ignoring everyone, Darby was concentrating on not falling to pieces. That trip through the ducts had to be the combination of at least three of her worst nightmares: small spaces, being immobile and no breathable air. Her hands were shaking so badly she couldn't wring the water from her hair, her head was swimming (no pun intended), and her lungs refused to fill up properly. Did someone mention the end of the world? Thanks for the news flash, but she'd already lived through it.

"Woah, woah. 'End of the world?'" Masked Lorcan repeated incredulously. "You must be on something. The world looked fine the last time I was there." She was trying in vain to pull on her waterlogged jeans, wet strands of hair obscuring her vision.

"Trust me," the commander cut off all argument. "Come with me and I'll give you the whole story in a nutshell." And off she stalked, leaving the ten soggy writers to untie their rope and wriggle into their wet clothes on the way to…wherever they were going.

"It's quite simple, really. There are four of us here on this station. Three of us are officers and we monitor the different worlds or spheres of fanfiction. None of you need an explanation of those. We are here to make sure that all universes run smoothly apart from one another and that true authors can write without problems." The commander paused for a breath.

"True authors?" Sith broke in, his eyebrows raised in confusion.

Commander Walton nodded. "Authors that for the most part respect canon and characters as they were meant to be written and do a fairly good job of writing. Good spelling, grammar, etcetera. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you all know, these days any half-wit with a keyboard can simply regurgitate their malformed thoughts and put it up on the Internet. Up to a point that was all right; what were a few Mary Sues, slash stories, and crossovers to our system? But then movies such as _Harry Potter_ and the _Lord of the Rings_ came out, and we've had no end to the drivel!"

"You can say that again," Lor and Twink chorused. Psychadelio and Wonky nodded their agreement, along with a quiet 'amen' from Ants.

"Our fourth member here, who is strictly civilian, understands the inner workings of the fanfiction universes and creates much of the technology used to check up on the fandoms and take precautionary measures. However, he has always had a theory: that the fanfiction continuum is finite, and you can only stretch it so much before there are problems."

"Big problems," Lieutenant Venningsworth put in. "We've suffered a complete collision of the fanfiction worlds, much like bubbles on the surface of water coming together and fusing. Characters are missing, there are plot holes big enough to admit the Death Star, and—"

"_Thank you,_ Lieutenant," Commander Walton cut him off sharply. "The point is, we kept the worlds running without understanding them very much. All of you are knowledgeable about two or more fandoms, and will probably be able to fake your way through the ones you don't understand. Working as a team, we feel you'll be able to assist us in solving this problem." The entire entourage screeched to a halt in front of the Core's doors, and the commander led them inside. Hochi's eyes bugged out at the bedraggled group that trooped in, some still half-dressed.

"This is Ensign Hochi Min," the commander said. "And that over there is Zondo, our resident civilian."

Zondo had already sprung to his feet and was enthusiastically shaking hands with all of the authors. "Such a fantastic pleasure to have you all along. Everybody take a seat and we'll get started with the debriefing."

"Wait, wait, wait." HD crossed his arms firmly over his chest and refused to move. "Just why did you pick us? And who says that we agree to do this? What's in it for us?"

"Isn't it enough that you save your favorite pastime from complete annihilation?" Zondo asked calmly, taking a seat.

"It's only a hobby," HD protested. "It's not as if the world is ending."

"Ah!" Zondo shouted, laughing. "That's where you're wrong! There is a very good possibility that if we do not deal with these problems by terminating some of the more worthless authors that write self-insertion and time-traveling fics, there could be dire consequences in our world such as—"

"Hold it!" HD commanded. "Did you say terminate Mary Sues?"

Zondo blinked his beady eyes. "I believe I did."

HD abruptly plunked himself in the nearest hard chair and crossed his legs, attentive. "I'm listening."

"Anybody else wish to raise objections?" Zondo asked, looking around at the others.

Darby looked up, having given up trying to find a dry spot on her shirt with which to dry her glasses. Replacing them on top of her head, she regarded Zondo with an eyebrow raised. Wordlessly, she sat on the nearest chair and waited for the chaos to be explained.

"No?" Zondo shrugged, took a deep breath and then launched into his spiel. "You all have been told how these problems occurred, and now I will expand upon why you are here. You are here because we think you can succeed in restoring balance to the fanfiction continuum. We believe that because of your knowledge and obsession with different spheres of fanfiction you all know best what you are up against. You know the tells of a Mary Sue, the signs of an out-of-canon character, and the ravings of a rabid reviewer. So you see why we need you." He paused, but no one interrupted. Even the three officers were listening raptly.

"You would be able to navigate, as much as possible with plotholes and all, within the fanfiction spheres. And this brings me to the final part of my speech: your equipment and procedures." Zondo casually flipped a small switch and an entire wall panel abruptly parted, turned itself around, and became whole again. There were ten utility belts displayed, along with rows of unidentifiable objects. "Voila!" Zondo said enthusiastically. "This is all you will ever need to save characters, fry rabid reviewers, terminate Mary Sues, and uncross pointless crossovers. Now then, one thing at a time.

"These," Zondo pointed to something resembling a cross between a handgun and a phaser, "are a combination isolinear tag unit and shock bullet gun. You must never confuse the two functions, however. One returns an in-character character to their proper sphere, and the other kills reviewers. In theory nothing should happen if you accidentally hit a character with a shock bullet, but I would prefer not to have to test it. You toggle between the two options using this button here. The isolinear tag function will instantaneously transport the character to the coordinates you specify, using voice specification. The coordinates will be listed in your CIAPDs. All as clear as mud so far?"

"Whoa, wait a second," Sith interrupted. "So you're saying we use those things to zap real characters to where they belong or to take out reviewers who might try to stop us?"

"Essentially, yes," Zondo said.

"Couldn't you have distilled that into just once sentence then?"

Zondo smiled in superiority. "That's the benefit of my position. I get to complicate things unnecessarily. Now these," and he indicated a line of silver tubes, "are direct descendants of the hypospray. They come loaded with several different types of serums. These serums are for out-of-canon characters who need to be put straight before sending them back to their universe. The serums are color-coded for your convenience, and again your CIAPD will tell you which serum to use with which species. Klingons do not get the same dosage as humans, for example."

"And if it acts as an aphrodisiac we're all in trouble," someone muttered under their breath. There were a few stifled snorts, but Zondo restored attentiveness quickly.

"Focus, people! I'm only giving this explanation once, because the longer we sit here and dally, the more the fanfiction spheres become interlinked. Moving on now, these little devices are designed to establish a jamming field. We use electricity to wreak havoc with authors' Internet connections. The shock bullets use jolts of electricity, you see. Well, these I like to call hoverers, and they deploy into three parts, hover around a target you specify, i.e. a Mary Sue or self-insert, immobilizing them so they can't use magical powers or whatnot to evade you. The hoverers then sever the author's connection with the Mary Sue, hopefully crashing their hard drive in the process, and you are free to kill the Mary Sue in whatever way you deem necessary. Shock bullets are still bullets. A word of warning: there may be some kind of plothole backlash when destroying some of these types of characters. This can be damaging to you. Know who your doctors and medics are in the fandoms you're going in. Once we put you in the system, we can't get you out until balance has been restored. There's so much chaotic activity that to attempt to do so prematurely might kill you and disrupt the continuum."

At that news, several of the authors erupted into disbelieving shouts. "You mean we're going in there as ourselves?" HD asked, disbelieving. "I'm not showing up in Gotham city looking like this!"

"Dude, zip it," Psychadelio broke in. "We can't possibly hope to survive with only this equipment, groovy as it is."

Twink, for the first time, sounded fearful. "We could die in there. Without anybody knowing what happened to us."

"Look," Darby spoke up, "I fail to see the connection. So the fanfic world is collapsing. Big deal. How does that affect my real life? I have a meeting with my thesis advisor in half an hour. How does my dying in some messed up Harry Potter fic help the world at large?"

Zondo screwed up his beady eyes and squinted at her as if he was trying to determine if she were making some sort of joke. When he at last decided she wasn't, he said in a very calm tone of voice belying simmering frustration, "The connection? Ah, that's the problem. There _is _a connection. Or there could be in the very near future. You surely are acquainted with the stories where characters are pulled into our world?"

The brunette merely nodded, looking slightly bored.

"Well, we have always been able to quarantine these types of stories to keep them from affecting our true reality. Otherwise we would have Legolas, Haldir, and dozens of other men and women alike running through our streets, pursued madly by fangirls and Mary Sues. Suffice it to say that containment here is rapidly failing, and unless you agree to help us, you could very well look forward to having to pry some sort of fairy-unicorn girl with purple hair off of your thesis advisor. Do you get the picture?"

Darby nodded, still looking unimpressed. "Do we at least get the benefit of false time while we're in the fanfic world? I really can't afford to miss that meeting."

"We'll do our best," Zondo promised. "As long as the mechanism that brought you here is still working, I can guarantee it. We just have to hope we ourselves aren't overrun by this catastrophe. Nowhere is safe," he emphasized to them all. Then he turned back to the equipment he'd been explaining, pointing to the last small object, the only thing they could really identify: a palm pilot. "This is you CIAPD. Character Identification and Plothole Device. This is how you recognize, find, and transport characters, all in one. They can also be used to communicate with each other. Just be careful about batteries. It looks and operates much like a modern-day palm pilot, except it will respond to your voice, should you have your hands full." Zondo looked around at the somewhat confused crowd of people in wet clothes. "Right, let's get this stuff equipped and get you in there!"

As the group rose and was assigned tools, someone sounding an awful lot like Darby muttered cynically, "And when the batteries die?"

Zondo shrugged. "Find a modern world and hold up a convenience store for all I care." He started handing out the different equipment as one by one the ten authors stepped forward, some with determination, most with reluctance. The three officers watched silently from the sidelines, knowing next to nothing about Zondo's methods.

"And now to answer your question, sir," Zondo addressed HD, "you will not be entering the fanfiction continuum in your real form. We need to have a way to identify you from the Mary Sues, for you safety as much as anything. We don't need you attempting to electrify each other, and if complications arise and we should need to put in more authors that you haven't met yet, we can't afford to take chances. You must choose a form not likely to be utilized by teenage authors. This means nonhuman, no elves, fairies, etc. And as a sidenote, choose something that has semi-permeable skin."

"Um…why?" asked Twink after a moment of confused silence.

"Because of the stasis serum. As you move around and interact within these worlds, there's a chance it could affect your minds adversely. You will experience rabid urges like a fan and perhaps go so far as to pursue a character. Should that happen, you need to find a locked room and administer the stasis serum to yourself. It should keep you unconscious for as long as it takes for the others to set things right." Zondo paused for a very deep breath. "All right, if there are no further complaints or questions, let's go to the Imaging Chamber."


	4. We Can What?

Disclaimer: The images of persons and fandoms used in this section belong to their respective corporations and most certainly not me.

Total Apocalypse

"All right, if there are no further complaints or questions, let's go to the Imaging Chamber."

The room he spoke of was spherical, containing a large bank of consoles in the center. As it turned out, the walls were screens, and Zondo rapidly opened ten different frames. "I prefer it if you use creatures we can find in the database, but an exceptionally good mental picture can work as well. Who's first?" He pointed to a blue triangle lit up on the floor.

Ants drew a deep breath. "I was sort of an elected leader for these guys, so I'll take the plunge, so to speak." He scrubbed his hands against his plaid pants as if his palms were sweaty and moved to stand in the triangle. "I'll be a Tuskan Raider, straight out of _Star Wars_, if that's all right."

There were a couple of disturbing gurgles from the console as Zondo put in the information required. Ants' name appeared in one of the ten frames, along with a picture. A picture of a fierce-looking creature holding a long rifle, its head wrapped in brown bandages but not hiding the mask it wore. "Will that work?" the small man asked.

Ants scrutinized the image, then nodded his satisfaction, adjusting the utility belt at his waist. "Beam me up."

"As you wish," Zondo replied, punching a large violet button. There was a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and the slightly-pudgy balding man Ants had been was gone, replaced by a six-and-a-half foot Tuskan Raider. The creature lifted its rifle above his head and let out the gorilla-like cry of the Tuskan Raiders, before speaking normally, "Ah, I've always wanted to do that."

Twink was cowering behind Chalupa, HD had turned faintly green, and Masked Lorcan was digging her fingernails into her cheeks.

"A-Ants?" Sith finally asked. "Are you all right?"

The raider slung his rifle over his shoulder and struck a jaunty pose. "Of course. I've always wanted to be this tall. Pity this didn't come with a Bantha for me to ride, but beggars can't be choosers." Ants hopped lightly out of the triangle and moved back to join the group. HD, Sith, and Psychadelio each examined him up and down, from the dun-colored robes to the horns poking out of the brown strips that wrapped his head.

"Tubular," Psych said. "I'm game." He strode quickly to the lit spot on the floor. "Wolfrider, from _Elfquest_ by Richard and Wendy Pini."

"Just a moment, I need to scan through the archives for this," Zondo said. A selection of thumbnails came up in the frame labeled with Psychadelio's name. "You may pick and choose your appearance, if you like."

Psych folded his arms and squinted up at the pictures. "Let's use Redlance's body as a base with Skywise's hair but Pike's face and hair color. Then Cutter's leggings and shoes with Treebeard's tunic." The others looked between themselves in cluelessness, unable to follow Psychadelio's rapid train of thought.

Zondo's fingers flew across various buttons and switches, until a single image resolved on the screen. It was a short, red-headed elf with a button nose and eyes bright as stars, with muscular arms and clothing made of tanned hides. Not to be confused with the tall, slender elves in _The Lord of the Rings,_ this elf was short, solidly built, and had a daring gleam in its eye that was almost feral.

"Far out," Psych breathed.

"Did you want a wolf with that?" Zondo asked. He made it sound so much like a side order of fries that Twink and Kade belatedly stifled their snorts.

"Starjumper with Choplicker's colors." Zondo made the final adjustment, waited for Psych's confirming nod, and palmed the violet button. And Psychadelio was gone, replaced with a creature only slightly taller than a hobbit, a white and gray wolf at his side. Unhesitatingly, Psych mounted the wolf and the two moved back to the group.

The other authors were watching in a combination of awe and eagerness. They could see things they had only read or seen come to life before their eyes. Fear was quickly melting, and OrangeSith moved forward next. He came away as a dog-sized slug, utility belt expanded to fit around his blubberous midsection.

"May I just ask why?" Lor said, eyeing his eye-stalks.

Sith's wide, toothless mouth split into a grin. "Because this alien can shapeshift, sort of. Watch." And a protrusion like an arm came out from the side of Sith's body to shake Lor's hand.

"Come on people, we can't waste time," Zondo said. "Next!"

Chalupa landed with a bound on the triangle before anybody else could move. "Gatomon from Digimon, but let's make all the purple on her turquoise, and lose those clawed gloves, but keep the claws." She nodded in satisfaction at the little white cat with deceptive blue eyes. ZAP! The now two-feet-tall Chalupa trotted over to Ants and climbed his robe to sit on his shoulder. "Nice, limber, sleek," she said, and let out a purr.

Encouraged, Twink sprang forward and came away a Tangean, straight out of _Buzz Lightyear of Star Command._ She strongly resembled Mira Nova, but her blue skin was a touch darker and her orange hair had strong blonde streaks. Everyone watched as she stuck her hands and head through the nearest wall. "Sweet," she said once she'd pulled herself back through.

Wonky was next, hemming and hawing over different vampire bodies until she settled on a plump woman with skin whiter than milk. Her hair was dark and fell in thick ringlets around her face, and the dark shadows around her eyes matched her deep plum velvet gown. Zondo manipulated the image and the woman turned in a circle on the screen, revealing two leathery wings that looked like shadows. Wonky came away testing her fangs with her tongue and smiling in a rather predatory manner.

Hamster Dancer appeared to muster most, if not all, of his courage as he stepped forward. "A mutant from X-Men," he said. "Let's take a page from Colossus' book, with skin that can harden on command, but make him taller. And he should resemble Wolverine."

"Not very imaginative, but it's what I expect from someone who's only read comic books his whole life," Zondo muttered, pushing the violet button. HD flexed his now-impressive muscles, and a silver sheen rippled over his skin before returning to its normal coloring. That left Kade, Darby, and Masked Lorcan.

"Well, any volunteers?" Kade muttered to the others, not looking particularly eager at the moment.

"I'm still thinking," Lor confessed. "There's lots of things I've wanted to experience. I'm sort of stuck between Twi'lek and Sivaoan."

"I suppose it depends entirely on which fandoms I'm going to be working in, doesn't it?" Darby murmured. "What are the odds I get a heads-up on that?"

"None whatsoever, because I can almost guarantee you'll get a taste of all of them," Zondo interrupted their little conference. "Kade, you're next."

Darby glanced sideways at Lor, asking in an undertone, "Still thinking?"

"Mm," was the only reply. Zondo tapped his foot impatiently.

"Right," Darby took a few unenthusiastic steps forward. "So, no elves?"

"Not even if you were to go as blind, deaf, dumb, and with both legs missing," Zondo said. "Believe me, it's been done. Apparently there's nothing Elrond can't fix."

Darby paused, visibly crossing species after species off her mental list. After a good ninety seconds, she looked up. "How about a Trill?"

Zondo opened his mouth, paused, cocked his head to one side as if considering, and input something into his console. After a moment it beeped. A new square came up for Darby, right beside Kade's crimson dragon form. "Huh. I suppose the idea of another person being inside one does turn off the Mary Sue factor. Any requests as to appearance?"

Darby grinned for the first time. "Can you make my spots glow-in-the-dark?"

There was a squelching of titters from the eight transformed onlookers, but Zondo keyed in the commands. Darby's appearance on the screen was no different from her current one, save for the dark speckles that ran down the sides of her face and neck. "What about wardrobe?" he asked.

Darby considered the screen. "I'll be needing a hood," she said, still grinning. "Can't sneak up on Sues if they see me coming. Um... Let me see…a blue-grey V-neck tunic, navy trousers, and a navy cloak with a hood."

Someone else, at the mention of sneaking up on Sues, cackled ominously. More laughter was quickly stifled as the requested outfit was applied to the image. Zondo looked at Darby as if for approval.

"Decent," she nodded, then smiled mischievously. "Can we make me half-Betazoid?"

"I don't see why not," Zondo said with the air of a person restraining himself. _Bloop,_ went his console. "Are you the host?"

"Yes. Unassigned."

Darby's crisp reply set Zondo's eyebrows up a little, but he motioned with one hand. "If you'll just step onto the blue triangle…"

"Okay, I'm in," she said, doing as she was told. Zondo pounded the large violet button, the light flashed, and once the smoke cleared, Darby emerged in her prescribed regalia. Stepping down, she squinted, then removed her glasses and blinked. "Sweet! I don't need them!" she exclaimed, tucking them on her head. "You're up, Lorcan."

Lor gulped. "That's what I'm afraid of," she muttered, gingerly stepping into the blue triangle. Zondo cleared his throat. "Right, um…" she faltered for a moment before getting her train of thought back. "A book called _Uhura's_ _Song_ by Janet Kagan. Should be some cover art, but there's the description in there of a Sivaoan. You know, cheetah-sized but with more of a house-cat shape and personality?"

Zondo was busily pressing buttons and flipping switches. Masked Lorcan's square was awash with several small icons. Finally the image settled into a rather ordinary-looking cat, brown with white paws. Lor gulped again. "Well, the shape's right, but I don't like the paint job. How about Milo from _Milo_ _and Otis? _Oh, but with a white mask around the eyes."

The image changed and the felinoid became a marmalade-striped cat. "Okay, well…okay." Lorcan nodded and took a deep breath. "I can live with that." _Chunk,_ went the large violet button. A feeling like a small tremor ran through Lor's body. And then she sneezed.

"Lorcan? You okay?" Twink called. Lor blinked and shook her head. Something on top of her head registered the rapid air movement. She put up one hand to feel what it was. A five-fingered paw met her vision. Lor looked down at her hands. Paws. She swung around. A tail. Orange stripes.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Lor sauntered calmly out of the smoke-cloud, her tail wrapped around her utility belt. "I love it! Can I take it home with me?"

Zondo made some final adjustments on his computer. "You're all set to go in. If you're ready, we'll go to the Portal. Any last minute questions?"

"Are we all going to the same place?" Darby wanted to know.

"Ah, glad you asked. No, you will be paired in groups of two. We're unsure at this point how far the damage has spread, so I think you'll get more ground covered if you don't move about as a large group. You will be assigned a starting point to begin with. Do not forget, though, that your surroundings are liable to change at any moment." Zondo looked out at the various disguised faces before him. "All right, this way please!" And he strode off jauntily.


	5. And We're Off!

Disclaimer: The characters recognizable as not ours do not belong to us.

Total Apocalypse

"All right, this way please!" And Zondo strode off jauntily.

Psych set his knees into his wolf, and the others fell into step behind him. They made a head-turning troupe, with the various humanoid and animal combinations. Chalupa was still riding on Ants' shoulder, and every so often Twink would run a hand through a wall just because she could. Sith squelched along gamely, leaving a slime-trail in his wake, and Kade the fat dragon along with Lor on four paws brought up the rear.

It took two elevator trips to bring them all to a level Zondo specified as the Nucleus. It was the only thing deeper than the Core level. Upon exiting the elevator, Zondo had to supply a voice code, a fingerprint scan, and a retinal scan. Then, and only then did the small, hexagonal door before them open.

"It's empty," Ants said after a long moment. The rest of the authors exhaled their held breaths, all awed expectancy shattered.

"Not quite," Zondo said. He pointed at the arch that appeared to support the spherical, metal room. Small, spiky protrusions that looked slightly like lasers were spaced every two feet along the arch. "It's quite simple, really. I lock on to a fanfiction sphere, pull up the image, and you step into it. In reality you'll be transformed into bits of data designed to interface with the Internet, but at the same time you'll coexist in a non-reality that—oh, but that's too complicated. Just rest assured that it's all going to work out."

"Or fail miserably," Darby quipped sarcastically, "How will you know we didn't just disintegrate? And how do we get out again?"

"Oh, I have a lock on you," Zondo said. "That was the purpose of the blue triangle and the shape-change. You are now all easy to track, even if all the expensive computing equipment fails. Once everything is put right again, we'll have you back out by back-loading the information in the computer."

The authors looked between themselves, shrugged mutually, and waited.

"Right, the teams. Please step forward as your names are called. PurpleAntsAteMyPants and OrangeSith. Chalupa and Twinkiegal330. Kade and Wonkywizard. Hampster Dancer and Psychadelio. Darby McGill and Masked Lorcan."

Glancing between themselves, the five pairs separated. Partners looked each other up and down in various states of surprise, relief, and uncertainty.

Darby winced and waved her hand half-heartedly, "Um…I'm allergic to cats."

"Too bad," Zondo said off-handedly. "Try Zyrtec. All right, your drop points have been pre-assigned, but your retrieval lists are all the same and will remain so. As you track down characters, the lists will automatically adjust. If more characters escape, again, it will adjust. Monitor it at all times. Remember all I've said about your equipment. Now then, in the order you were called…"

Zondo strode to a control panel and keyed in a series of coordinates. The emitters on the arch hummed to life and a picture formed in the air before Ants and Sith.

"A Borg Cube?" Ants asked askance.

"The Queen is missing. She's loose somewhere, and we don't need random assimilated characters showing up wherever they please," Zondo said. "In you go."

Side by side, the dog-sized slug and the Tuskan Raider approached the picture. They became a part of it as soon as they touched it. Then the picture winked out, to be replaced by Angel Grove High School.

"Next!" Zondo said. Slowly Chalupa and Twink came forward.

"_Power Rangers?_" the pint-sized kitty asked, twitching her tail. "You've _got_ to be kidding."

"Kimberly the Pink Ranger from the first series is missing," Zondo said. "Be careful of any bad guys that might try to follow in her escape."

Chalupa straightened up to her two-foot height, whiskers bristling. "Let's do it." Twink followed quietly.

Next went Kade and Wonky, straight into the heart of _Harry Potter_, in search of Percy Weasley. Then HD and Psych were relegated to the world of _Spiderman_ in order to find the Green Goblin. And last but not least…

"Rivendell?" Darby breathed. "No _way_ am I that lucky."

"I am so not dressed for this," Lor groaned. "I thought for a fleeting instant about being a Balrog…"

"All right girls, worry about it later. _The Lord of the Rings_ is one of the most dangerous sections, barring _Harry Potter._ You're going for Elrohir, to name one. No time to lose," Zondo coaxed.

Lor looked at Darby. "Normally, being a felinoid, I would say look before you leap, but for the sake of my nerves…" She crouched, the muscles in her hindquarters bunching. Then she was through the picture, onto the leaf-strewn walkway running beneath curved, graceful arches.

Darby slid her tag/shock unit out of her belt and followed her partner, gripping her weapon tightly in her hand. She had no intention of dying in the first five minutes of her first mission.


	6. Welcome to Rivendell

Disclaimer: _The Lord of the Rings_ does not belong to us.

Total Apocalypse

Lor paused, scenting the air briefly. She loved the extension of her senses: keen eyesight, a sense of smell that told her exactly who had been by a particular spot in the last several days, and sharp hearing which…she dove abruptly into a stand of bushes. She would have said something to Darby, but she knew that an elf's sharp hearing would have caught her words. Instead, Lor gestured with her prehensile tail.

Assuming Lor knew something she didn't, Darby slipped into the bushes and pulled her hood over her face, her heart hammering. Eventually, even her mortal ears could hear the sound of approaching footsteps.

Lor watched breathlessly as a random, yet still beautiful elf passed by without noticing her presence. A sudden thought occurred to her, and she pulled out her CIAPD as stealthily as possible. She aimed it at the elf and hit 'Scan.' The display lit up, and the machine made a loud _bweep_ noise as it took a reading.

'Elf. _Lord of the Rings. _In character.'

"Hello?" the elf in question called, her fair features slightly puzzled. She retraced her steps toward the bushes. Lor shoved her CIAPD back on her belt before trying to make herself as small as possible. Maybe she wouldn't come too close…

The fur along her spine began to stand up without permission and Lor's muscles tensed. Almost before she knew it, she broke cover and sprinted flat out for the nearest tree.

If she hadn't been hiding, Darby would have slapped her forehead in frustration. A wave of wariness washed over her, puzzling her, until she realized she had requested half-Betazoid. She watched in agony as the elf whirled and zeroed in on the now-treed feline, both ready to attack.

_Not good, not good,_ Lor thought to herself. She turned and leapt for the next tree, then the next. If the elf wanted her, she was going to have to keep up. Sparing a brief second, she pulled out the CIAPD again. "Darby," she panted into it, "I'm going to try hiding somewhere else. Try to get into Elrond's study. With any luck, you can get some information there. I'll catch up." Then, being sure that the elf still had her in sight, Lor hit the ground and began leading a merry chase in the opposite direction.

Too stunned to protest, Darby watched her partner dash away through the underbrush, a stealthy elf in tow. Once she was sure she was alone, she pulled out her CIAPD. Staring down at it, she murmured, "What are the odds you have a map of Rivendell, hmm?" To her surprise, a map of the Last Homely House appeared on the small screen. She was impressed... Until she realized she still had to find the house. Sighing, she started walking in the direction opposite to the one Lor had taken, hoping her partner wasn't running into more trouble.

Darby made no effort to walk softly; she reasoned that appearing as a disoriented traveler was likely her best bet at getting to her goal in one piece. After wandering more or less aimlessly for several minutes, she was startled when a dark-haired elf appeared out of the greenery, right in her path.

"Greetings, traveler," he said, smiling merrily. "I assume you have only just arrived, as I pride myself in knowing all guests of Master Elrond, and I have yet to make your acquaintance."

_Here goes nothing_, thought Darby. "Indeed, sir," she said, hoping her modern English wouldn't give her away, "I have just arrived, but I am afraid I am a little lost at the moment. Is it much farther to the house itself?"

"Not at all," he said, bowing. "And, as I was going that way myself, perhaps we might go that way together."

_Score one for the team._ Darby nodded and fell into step behind him, following an invisible trail through the woods. Birds twittered noisily in the trees and small animals scurried through the underbrush. After the hum of the university library and then the rush and confusion of being drafted and deployed, she found it restful. And then, without a word, her guide stepped around a large outcropping of rock and there, built into the valley, was the most beautiful building Darby had ever seen.

The elf turned and smiled at her gasp. "That is the reaction of many first time visitors," he informed her, "and I assure you, I feel the same way every time I see it, too."

"Amazing," Darby managed, finally. Her companion grinned at her, then continued down a now-visible footpath to the door.

They continued walking in silence for several moments, absorbing the beautiful view before them. Then the elf asked, "Have you traveled far to be here with us?" But before Darby could reply, something pink and sparkly came hurtling out of the underbrush.

"WAAAAIIIII!!!!!!!" the sparkly thing cried with ear-splitting volume. "Oh, Elly, darling, who _is_ your new friend?"

'Elly' as he had been so called, ducked instinctively and dodged to one side in order to avoid the person's intercepting trajectory. "Witch!" he cried. Then, to Darby he said, "Quickly, flee from this creature before you are overcome by her powers!"

The creature/person was indeed exactly that. She (for her outfit left little to the imagination as to her gender) was sporting cat ears and a cat tail, which were tiger striped pink and white and sparkly. She truly was an eyesore to behold.

Darby stared for a moment before remembering what she was supposed to do. She pulled her CIAPD from her belt and pointed it at the pink atrocity. It beeped, then read, "Kariarwen, Ravenous Mary Sue. Kill." With her left hand, she grabbed her hover and shot it at 'Kariarwen'. To her immense satisfaction and the surprise of the elf, the pink thing stopped in her tracks looking dazed. Then Darby paused. Zondo had never said how to kill the Sues, and she had no weapons. She glanced at her guide to see how he was reacting.

Elly appeared to take everything in stride. He pulled a short knife from his belt and dispatched the Sue with a deft motion. Wiping the blade on the grass, he turned to Darby and said, "Thank you."

Having expected the elf to be surprised, Darby herself was stunned. "You're welcome," she said, slightly dazed. Then, to herself, _Mental note, Dar, you need a weapon._

He looked around them furtively, but apparently spotted nothing to warrant danger. "I should have explained the peril to you. For nigh on four years the fair havens of all the elves have fallen under attack. We know not what creates this evil, nor how best to withstand it. Those of us that are able fight in the only way we know, but our attempts are easily undermined."

The surreal feeling continued as Darby put her equipment away, saying, "Believe me, sir, I know the danger you're in. Perhaps more than you do. I can tell you where the creatures are coming from. And I've been sent to help."

A faint look of relief might have crossed the elf's features, but he checked himself. "Forgive me, I do not even know your name. I am Elladan, son of Elrond."


	7. Check It Out

Disclaimer: _The Lord of the Rings_ and all characters are property of J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema.

Total Apocalypse

A faint look of relief might have crossed the elf's features, but he checked himself. "Forgive me, I do not even know your name. I am Elladan, son of Elrond."

Just then, a skittering of claws heralded Lor's untimely arrival. Her fur coat was mussed, she had scratches on her face, and her tail was lashing angrily. "I got mobbed by a couple of rabid reviewers. They're sort of crunchy," she reflected.

"Are you okay, Lor? You look awful!" Darby exclaimed before noticing Elladan reaching for his sword again. "Elladan, allow me to introduce myself and my _partner_." She emphasized the last word, hoping to distract him. It worked. He paused. "My name is Darby and this," she said, gesturing to the feline at her feet, "Is my partner, Masked Lorcan."

Lor's ears had gone flat against her skull and her teeth were bared. As soon as Elladan's sword returned to his sheath, her expression changed and she began trying to put her coat back in order. "Figures he'd try to kill me. He's intact, is he?"

"We didn't exactly have time to check that out. We've only just met." Darby retorted, slightly sarcastically. She pulled out her CIAPD and pointed it at Elladan. The screen lit up and made its _bweep_ noise and gave a readout.

'Elladan, son of Elrond. _Lord of the Rings_. In character.' Darby shrugged and pocketed her device. "He checks out."

"Well, great. Now, when's the last time you saw your brother, Elrohir?" Lor asked, all business-like. "We've been told he's missing."

Elladan, if he was going to say anything to Lor about her attitude, became very helpful. "Elrohir has not been seen in a month! I know not where he has gone. He may have stumbled unwittingly into one of the many traps that lie in this area."

"Traps?" Lor said, twitching her whiskers in curiosity.

"I know not what else to call them. One moment a person will be crossing a path, and the next they have vanished. Often they will return, with many strange tales to tell. Some do not return at all. I have spent many days and nights fearing for my brother's safety."

"Plotholes," Darby muttered to Lor. Then, "A whole month? How are we supposed to track him if he's been gone that long?"

Lor looked at her partner. "We sniff him out." Then, to Elladan, "Has he ever mentioned being pulled into a different place repeatedly?"

Elladan thought for a moment. "He did say something about a spaceship…_Enterprise,_ I believe. He was forced to go there quite frequently. Apparently he and a woman named Beverly Crusher were to prevent some sort of disaster from occurring."

Darby cackled softly then caught herself. "Sorry. So we take a plothole to _Star Trek: TNG_?"

"Well, if you're still feeling violent, we could always take a crack at de-infesting this place," Lor suggested, her tail twitching. "I assure you, after my brief circuit of the premises that we could have a nice little time here."

"Spend more time at Rivendell?" Darby snorted. "Like you have to ask me twice." She turned to Elladan. "Do you have an extra blade that you won't mind donating to a defenseless girl?" She smiled angelically, taking full advantage of dimples and blue eyes. "I can't kill those creatures with my bare hands, after all."

"Certainly," Elladan responded without hesitation. "You may have your choice out of our armory, if you wish."

Lor extended her front legs and stretched, claws splayed. "You can't kill them with your bare hands? That's funny, I can." She evidenced her point by digging her claws into the paving stones and leaving white marks down them as she finished stretching. "Of course, I wouldn't mind a knife for throwing."

"Follow me," Elladan said. "But keep your guard up."

As the girls fell in step behind Elladan, Darby finally had a chance to ask, "Forgive me, Elladan, but you don't seem at all surprised by our presence, or our mission. May I ask why?"

"This is not the first time my home has needed intervention," Elladan said. "Others have come before, but only briefly. They helped much in the same way, but their primary purpose was to strengthen the boundaries between my world and others."

"Zondo failed to mention that," she muttered, trying to take in as much of the landscape as possible. "I assume they've failed, or we wouldn't have been called upon, eh, Lor?"

"Probably some sort of prevention," Lor said. "When they thought they could still handle it."

Elladan nodded at the felinoid's words. "For some time there was relative peace. There were still some incursions, but they could be speedily dealt with. Now things have steadily worsened." He took a right turn, entering one of the stately buildings.

It took a minute for Darby's eyes to adjust to the light change, and when they did, "Woah!" Whatever she had been expecting, this wasn't it. Granted, she'd never been in an armory before, unless you counted the one in the National War Museum. Which she didn't. Blades of various lengths, both curved and straight, lay on shelves that seemed have grown right out of the walls. The light filtering through the window glinted off the metal and reflected all over the walls and ceiling. The whole room had a silent, deadly aura, but even then, it was beautiful.

Lor's fur was standing straight out; she looked two sizes bigger. "And I have to pick just one…I'd surely drown if I took all the ones I wanted."

"Please, take whatever you desire. Our smiths can always make more," Elladan said.

Lor stood up on her back legs, becoming bipedal again. "I like the height-change option in this body," she said offhandedly, "but I wish there was less thermal insulation." She began perusing each of the shelves, but touched nothing. She seemed to feel with her eyes only, and occasionally a whisker brushed the cold metal of a blade she was examining, but nothing else.

Darby felt completely out of her element; her weapon of choice was a word processor. "Um," she began awkwardly, "do you have any suggestions for a complete beginner? And maybe some pointers?"

Elladan appeared to measure Darby's stature. "Something light, like my sister Arwen carries," he said quietly, turning immediately to one shelf and carefully lifting a sword down. "These are exceptionally balanced, for novices," he explained, handing the sword to Darby. As an afterthought, he removed a matching sheath from the shelf below.

Darby accepted the sheath and added it to her belt before reaching for the sword. Apparently, 'light' was a relative term. That, or Trills were weaker than elves in general. Either way, the sword's weight surprised her and she brandished it awkwardly. "Alright. Thanks," she murmured, concentrating on holding it like Zorro. "Now what?"

Elladan moved to the next shelf, hefting a slightly larger weapon. "Come outside, where we may have more room." He led her back to the pathway, and then to a small glen. "First, you must get the feel of your weapon. You must not hold it too far from you; that will deplete your strength quickly."

Darby adjusted her posture slightly so her sword was closer to her body.

"Good. Now, move the blade slowly, like this." Elladan moved his sword in a figure similar to a sideways eight. "Become accustomed to your weapon. It should be a part of you."

He made everything look so easy! She gritted her teeth and tried to do what she was told. The hard part was keeping the blade from drooping downwards. After a few minutes, Darby could move her sword well enough to satisfy Elladan. She looked up at him to see what was next.

"First, defensive movements," the elf said. He demonstrated a few and then slowly walked Darby through them. "This is for a high frontal attack…now a low…to one side…now the other…very good."

By that time, Lor had sauntered out of the armory and scented her way to where the two were practicing. She lounged on a stone railing, her attention riveted on the small dagger she held in her paws.

"All right," Elladan said, smiling slightly. "Let us try attack." For the next hour or so, back and forth Darby and Elladan went, until…

"Elladan!"

Elladan turned at the sound of his name and waited for the speaker to approach. Darby managed to half-collapse on the railing next to Lor, exhausted. "It's a lot harder than it looks," she panted, massaging her tired sword arm.

"I don't doubt it," Lor replied in an undertone, slinking quietly past Darby and into a nearby bush. "Let me know who or what it is. If it's a reviewer, it's mine."

Darby sighed, and slipped her CIAPD out of its pocket left-handed and pointed it in the direction of the newcomer. To her delight, the readout said,

"Master Elrond, Elf friend. _Lord of the Rings_. In character."

She relaxed her guard, replaced her device and then noticed her clothes were covered in cat hair. Wonderful. She ignored the elves, who were conversing in a Sindarin undertone at any rate, dropped her sword to the ground and proceeded to brush the hair off her tunic. The resulting cat hair-cloud was inhaled and caused her to sneeze, violently. And repeatedly. The sneezes immediately attracted the undivided attention of both Elladan and his father.

"Does something ail you?" Elrond asked, raising one eyebrow slightly.

Not quite understanding him, Darby answered wryly, "Several things, but none you can help me with."

The lord of Imladris smiled slightly at that. "You sound a trifle ill. I am one of the best healers in this region, and insist upon making a remedy for you."

Darby blinked, then said, "Oh! No. I mean, thank you, but it's only that I'm allergic to cats, and my partner…well, Elladan has met her. She's noticeably feline."

"Partner?" Elrond asked. He glanced around, and Lor stalked out of her bush on all fours.

"Yes, that would be me," she said, sitting down. "And in my defense, I didn't know she had allergies."

Darby sighed. "The curse of being me, I suppose. Cat hair is the most normal of the list." She turned to Elrond, and smiled, saying, "Unless you have some antihistamines, I'll just suffer and sneeze."

Elrond did not even bat an eye. "I am positive I can brew something up. Come, lady." And without further ado, he extended his hand to Darby, caught her by the elbow, and guided her in the direction of his house.

As she was politely dragged away, she glanced wide-eyed over her shoulder at Elladan and Lor. Lor just gave her the cat's equivalent of a smirk and Elladan swept up her sword and waved merrily at her. Deciding she had no choice, she allowed Elrond to lead her into the Last Homely House proper.

Lor turned to Elladan without preamble and said, "You mentioned a Mary Sue invasion. Are you up for a little hunting?"

The son of Elrond slid Darby's sword through his belt beside his own. "I would like nothing better at the moment. After you."

Meanwhile, the lord of Imladris himself was a gracious host. He pointed out various tapestries and statues dating beyond Elrond himself. The halls of the house were cool, with smooth tiled floors. "Rivendell has always been open to those seeking rest and a safe haven," he said. "Doubtless my son has told you as much. It is wearying to see that hospitality taken advantage of by these strange creatures."

"He has," Darby agreed, "And he said they were becoming more numerous. How many creatures are you seeing now? Are they more aggressive as of late?"

"Without a doubt," came the reply. "I fear something terrible has happened beyond the bounds of normal understanding." Elrond turned right through an archway that had been carved to resemble the branches of a weeping willow. Shelves of books were neatly arranged, and a rosewood desk comfortably cluttered with tomes stood to one side.

"That's what we've been told," she confirmed, looking around in awe. She was in Elrond's study. The books she could read; the languages she could learn! If only she had the time to stay. Pulling herself back to the present, she continued their conversation, "We've been sent to help, but I'm afraid we haven't received much in the way of instruction beforehand."

Elrond moved off into an adjoining room, one lined with neat cupboards and carved nooks and crannies. Countless bottles, pouches, and other containers were arranged in soldier-like fashion and he selected one in particular before picking up a mug and filling it with water from a nearby kettle. The kettle looked as if it was kept warm in case of sudden need. "Let that steep for a few minutes," he said. Then, picking up the former thread of conversation, he went on, "Yes, you are not the first, but your task seems quite different than the last people here."

Darby leaned over to smell the drink, wrinkled her nose, then nodded. "I think we're the exterminators. What did the others do?"

Elrond's brow furrowed as he thought. "They were strengthening the barrier of our world from others. They also immunized us against something called 'OOC.'"

Nodding, she answered, "That would explain why you seem to be acting normal." Hoping he'd forget about her 'tea,' she began to browse through the books on the nearest shelf. "Was everyone immunized, or did the workers only treat a select few?"

"Everyone they could find," Elrond said. "Here, drink it all." He handed Darby the mug and raised an eyebrow when she hesitated.

She grinned at him. "I love it when you do that." Taking a deep breath, she raised the cup to her lips and swallowed large amounts, quickly. When she released her breath, the cup was empty but for the dregs, and her mouth had a lingering minty aftertaste. She passed the cup back to him, and said, "Thank you. It wasn't as horrible as I expected it would be."

A petite elf woman knocked gently on the doorframe to announce her presence. Elrond looked over and said, "Yes?"

"Lord Elrond," she said softly, "I believe your son has lost his mind. And his pet as well."

Darby turned to look at Elrond, her eyebrows raised. "Is this," she hedged, "something that has happened before, sir?"

"Elladan is not known for level-headedness in all situations," Elrond admitted. "Since times grown worse, he has taken up hunting those creatures that would wreak havoc in this place."

An infuriated feline yowl prevented Elrond from saying anything else; Lor appeared like a streak of marmalade-colored lightning and hurled herself bodily at the small elf woman.


	8. Phaser Point

Disclaimer: _The Lord of the Rings_ belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema. _Star Trek: The Next Generation _belongs to Gene and Majel Roddenberry.

Total Apocalypse

An infuriated feline yowl prevented Elrond from saying anything else; Lor appeared like a streak of marmalade-colored lightning and hurled herself bodily at the small elf.woman.

"Lor!" Darby was shocked, "What are you doing?!"

Her partner's tail lashed as she concentrated on maintaining her grip on the struggling elf while trying to pull out her hoverers. "My job!" she panted, working the case free. "Check the CIAPD!"

The hoverers split into their three parts and zoomed in around the elf and Lor. Lor rolled free as the little machines went to work. The outline of the Sue fuzzed and went a little staticky. "Connection severed," the device intoned. Lor didn't waste anytime in dispatching what was left of the elf; the body dissolved and vanished.

"Ai," Darby sank into Elrond's chair, "I'm so not cut out for this."

"After all the time I spent giving you sword training?" Elladan's voice was light and his eyes hinted at his amusement. He looked none the worse for wear; his hair was a little mussed but he seemed satisfied. "We must do what we can—all of us."

"Forty minutes would hardly qualify me as a sword-master," Darby responded wryly. "I'm not what you'd call athletic. Horseback riding, step-dancing, rock-climbing; those I can do. Attacking Sues and wielding swords is way out of my norm. Take me to Star Trek. Give me a phaser. I might do better. As for identifying Sues and reviewers, what am I supposed to do, CIAPD everyone I meet?"

"Pretty much," Lor said bluntly, cleaning her paws with her large pink tongue. "Safest way to know anything. Plus, it catches the 'I'm-just-a-normal-person-minding-my-own-business' type of Sue."

"I agree with Elladan, we must all be vigilant in our defense," Elrond said. "But I urge you to find Elrohir. I fear he has fallen in among bad company. Were Imladris not in such danger I would do what I could to locate him."

Darby nodded seriously. "We'll do our best, sir." The look on her face showed her lack of confidence in her own abilities.

"Well, no use sitting around here, loads to be done," Lor said briskly, standing on two paws. She shook hands with the two elves. "Thanks for having us, it's been a pleasure, really it has. Maybe we'll stop back through for a little breather…"

"You are always welcome here," Elladan assured the felinoid. "Especially in that shape."

"You like it? Thanks." Lor's whiskers arched at the compliment. "Darby?"

Lor's partner stood and smiled at her hosts. "Thank you for the tea and the sword lessons. Could you please point us in the direction you last saw Elrohir?"

Elladan returned Darby's sword with a little half-bow. "The only place I could point you to is wherever Ms. Crusher might be. He has been missing for quite awhile."

Darby accepted the sword, then looked at her belt as if wondering where to put it. "Any idea how we find plotholes, Lor? And where they lead before we jump in?"

"Well," Lor said, turning her CIAPD over in her paws, "these are supposed to be Plothole Devices. Let me see…" She fiddled with a few switches, banged the machine against a column, and finally said, "Hey, we need to get to the _Star Trek _universe, Sickbay of the _Enterprise-D_ if that's all right with you!"

As two bemused elves watched, a circular hole shimmered into existence, revealing just what Lor had requested.

"Ask and ye shall receive," Lor said, shoving her CIAPD unit back on her belt. "Well, it's been great. See you sooner rather than later." And she was gone with a wave of her tail.

Darby sheathed her sword quickly and bowed slightly to her hosts. "Thank you again for everything. I hope we can return Elrohir soon. All the best!" Then she turned and stepped into the humming, whirring, blinking world of _Star Trek_.

Lor was back on two feet with her CIAPD in her hand. She was sniffing slowly, and her ears swiveled to catch all the new noises. "What should we do first?" she asked, collapsing the plothole behind them. "Best not to—"

_PHWT!_ Unexpected phaser fire caught the human-turned-Sivaoan square in the chest; she dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Darby sighed. "That's just typical. They start shooting the cavalry the instant they arrive to help." Turning, she saw a very ferocious-looking Alyssa Ogawa aiming her phaser directly her own chest. "Hey!" she started, "we're here to help! Um... Have you heard of Elrohir? I was told he might have been spending time with Dr. Crusher. Seriously, don't shoot!"

The little Oriental nurse held her fire, but her distrustful expression didn't change. Her hand went to her commbadge. "Security to Sickbay!" She kept her weapon trained on Darby, as Lor presented no threat at the moment. Her free hand groped for and found a medical tricorder from a nearby table. With practiced ease she flipped it open with one hand and removed the remote sensor unit. Quickly, Nurse Ogawa did basic scans of both personnel. Her tight features relaxed slightly.

"A Trill and a Sivaoan. Both Federation species on record," she said as if to herself. "Not something unidentifiable."

"I can... try to explain," Darby muttered, afraid to make sudden movements.

"Alyssa?" Another nurse entered from an inner office. A phaser was in her hand as well, but she didn't raise it.

"Check the Sivaoan," Alyssa said, nodding at Lor. "Security is coming for them." She glanced at Darby. "All right, explain, if you can."

Darby licked her lips nervously, thought quickly, then started with, "My companion and I have been recruited to combat the invasion of strange personalities and personages. As far as I know, advance teams were sent to most realms trying to prevent what we are now trying to patch up…that is, the barriers between our world, your world, and every other world, real or created, have collapsed." She took a deep breath trying to judge the reaction of her audience.

Alyssa Ogawa blinked once before exchanging glances with the other nurse. "Lillian, keep your eyes on her. I'm going to contact the captain." She slowly lowered her weapon and retreated into the next office.

Lillian, so identified, aimed her phaser in Darby's general direction without actually pointing it at the Trill.

Releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding, Darby muttered, "It's not like I'm going to go anywhere."

Turning her head sharply to look Darby directly in the eye, Lillian responded, "If you're one of _them_, there is no knowing what you might try to do simply from Sickbay."

Darby snorted, "If I was one of them, I think I'd kill myself." She nudged Lor with her toe, "How long will she stay out?"

Lillian raised her phaser slightly, appearing not to hear the question. "You wouldn't believe the lines we've heard. They'll stoop to anything." The door to Sickbay suddenly swished open, admitting two security officers in their black and gold uniforms.

"More intruders?" a lieutenant asked.

"It would appear so," Lillian confirmed. "Nurse Ogawa is speaking with the captain." As if on cue, Alyssa reappeared.

"Captain Picard would like you to take this one to his ready room," Ogawa said, indicating Darby. "Ensign Crawford, will you please remain and escort the other up there when she is able?"

"Yes, ma'am," Crawford said. The other guard, the lieutenant motioned to Darby.

"Come with me, please."

The words were pleasant enough, but the hand clamped on her arm was anything but suggestive. She waved slightly at Alyssa and Lillian, shot one last look at Lor as the felinoid was transferred to a biobed, and then was ushered out into the passageway. The lieutenant guided her through a maze of hallways, and halted at the door to a turbolift. Darby balked and resisted, heedless to the phaser in his other hand. "Can we crawl through a Jeffries tube, please?"

He gave her a withering look. "So you can get a good look at our ship's insides and possibly do some sort of damage? I don't think so." As the 'lift's doors parted, he tightened his grip on Darby's arm and pulled her inside. "Bridge," he said, releasing Darby's arm.

Darby fought the panic that threatened to overwhelm her. The air was thinning and she wasn't going to get enough. She could hear her breathing becoming harsher, but could do nothing to logic it away. Fortunately, the ride was a short one, and she was only slightly light-headed when it slowed to a halt. She wasn't even sure if her guard noticed.

The 'lift deposited the pair on the starboard side of the main bridge. Worf turned to look at the newcomers, but his glance was only cursory as he nodded to his lieutenant. Geordi La Forge was manning the conn, leading to the conclusion that Riker and Data were in the ready room. Darby found herself forcibly guided to set of doors on the port side of the bridge. The whisked open to reveal Captain Picard sitting behind his desk. A phaser was lying on the desktop, but he seemed disinclined to point it at Darby. Other than Picard, the room was empty.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Vernon," Picard said, glancing up. "Please wait outside." Vernon inclined his head and exited, leaving Darby alone, just inside the doorway.


End file.
